Heartly, the immense impact of her short life in the flesh

Heartly’s Unique Blessingway Ceremony

I would like to share a bit about myself & my own journey with grief & motherhood. I start with my own stories because Story sharing from other women has been some of the deepest, most impactful medicine for my soul as I have walked with grief in my own life as I transformed from maiden into mother. 

I am a woman who always knew, since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a mother some day. I practiced my mothering skills whenever possible, holding all the babies, feeding, changing diapers, just being near them. When my mother took me to the doctor I would take the free parenting magazines and read about the development of babies and children.  

As I grew older I babysat as much as possible, nannied and was an au pair in france for a year to 3 little french girls. 

Zoom forward to 2014 and I found myself childless and single, with a deep desire to be a mother. I had envisioned myself as someone who would enter motherhood in my 20’s, and have 3 or 4 children, so when I was 32 and a single maiden I was definitely disappointed to say the least. Then One day I decided to make a very intentional call out to what i call Universe, Mother Earth & to my soul babies, to bring me together with my soul flame, the father of my children. I created a 40 day ritual asking our soul babies to bring us together at Conscious Culture Festival and 40 days later on the Summer Solstice a little periwinkle butterfly led me to him.  In our first few minutes of conversation we asked each other, are you single? How old are you? Do you have kids? Do you want kids? 2 weeks later he proposed, 3 months later we married, and a month after that we created our first tiny life together. 

Having been obsessed with babies forever, attending births for years and supporting numerous women as they entered motherhood,  I was elated to know I had a little wombling growing inside of me and was so excited for the full experience of pregnancy, birth and mothering.  

2 weeks later, the night before we left for Hawaii on our honeymoon, I began to bleed, and I experienced my first birth, the early birth of my first baby. I was devastated. Owyn, my husband wasn't quite sure how to support me, but he did the best that he could & I felt nourished and held by the ocean waters as one drop of my blood became part of the whole ocean.

A few months passed & we created another spark of life, this time I focused on speaking to this wombling & asking them to stay. I couldn’t bear to think that my journey with pregnancy would include more death. 

When I was 6 months pregnant, feeling my baby alive & moving inside of me I learned that my baby had no kidneys, & would not live once they were born. They might not even survive birth itself. 

Oh my, I was so angry at universe, at the world, at my husband, I was irrational, i wailed and cried, making noises i have never made before. I was so angry at my body, at myself for deeply desiring to be a mother and that this was the path unfolding, filled with death rather than the birth & life I had yearned for. 

We named our baby that same night, sex unknown, Heartly was her name. We had planned to wait till our baby was born to name them, but now that the only time we would have with them would be inside of me it felt good that they had a name. 

In the months between knowing my baby’s fate and waiting for the birth, the grieving began, along with the memory making. I Read to her books like Blueberries For Sal while I myself ate blueberries, knowing that through her umbilical cord was the only way she would ever get to taste them. We took trips to see relatives so that they could “meet” Heartly while she lived inside of me. Close friends came and spent intimate meaningful time with Heartly and me. 

My community rallied around and held a special Blessingway ceremony to honor Heartly’s short life. It was such a sacred blessing to be held by 15 other women of my community with honor and love. Holding space for my daughter, honoring me as mother knowing that I wouldn't get to mother her in the typical earthside way. 

As her due date drew near I found myself worrying about the fact that I would literally be the one to push her outside of myself and that she would die when she was born. I worried I might not be able to or want to birth her. 

Then, one Friday evening, her labor began. I did all that I could to slow it down, I didn’t want labor to be happening, I wanted more time. After two days and two nights, on Monday morning at 1:31 am, I birthed my daughter bum first, into a birthing pool on my living room floor. Halfway out she was moving, Owyn got to feel her move.  She was alive, I lifted her to my chest, she never opened her eyes & died moments later in my arms after a few gasping breaths. I carried her around with me for over 34 hours, kissing her, examining her, bathing her, carrying her outside and into the sunlight & taking precious photos before allowing the funeral home attendant to take her body away.  

This experience of losing my own child, my flesh and blood continues to be a transformative experience for me as I grieve and love & mother her endlessly. 

Grieving in the early days and weeks looked like me being with my husband 24/7, never wanting him to leave my side. Our expressions of grief looked quite different, and yet we wove ourselves together in love. We took a road trip down the Oregon coast to be with the ocean and into the redwoods to be with the ancient forest. We sprinkled some of her ashes in a few places where I also released a few drops of her breast milk. It felt fitting to leave some nourishment with her body.

I had a difficult time making small talk with strangers without bursting into tears unexpectedly, embarrassingly. A simple trip to the grocery store didn’t feel simple anymore. The wound was still too deep for me to talk with my family and friends that were lost about how to support me and reaching out in different ways.  

For me, grieving in this phase was very introverted and personal closed off from many of those that love me. I wrote about my experiences some during this time, a lot of which no one else has ever read. I read other women’s stories, women that had walked a similar path before me. I created little altars in my home as a way of remembering my daughter, held personal ceremonies for her almost daily. I spoke to Her as though she were there with me, sometimes feeling her spirit more than others. I spent a lot of time alone with the Earth. I received little signs from her from time to time that helped me believe that she was with me. 

 Within the first year of Heartly’s birth & death I had the opportunity to attend a retreat for bereaved mothers,  where I had the blessing of being with others that were mothering babies in spirit, I was not alone. It really helped me to hear their stories, witness their strength & see that life continued on and that alongside grieving and loving their babies, they returned to joy in their own unique ways, in their own time. Some women had been mothering babies in spirit for many years, while others were within their first year, like myself. Although we all sat somewhere different on the path, and had variation in our stories, we all described the palpable bond of being with other mothers that “knew.” 

Those first months and years were the most tender for me, including when I carried & birthed my next baby who is 5 years old today. Pregnancy, birth and mothering after loss each came with a new set of experiences and grief. I was fortunate to have a caring group of women in my life that walked the path alongside me. Remembering Heartly, & carrying the burden with me. 

I will always continue to hold her in my heart, love her, celebrate her life and mother her in my own way. 

In the last several years I have found myself called to walk with other women through their own experiences of love & loss. First it began with women in my community connecting me with others who were experiencing the death of a baby. That support I gave grew into me holding virtual circles for women who were also mothering babies in spirit. Together we created a safe container for women to show up & grieve, to speak their baby’s names, for their sorrow to be witnessed, for their baby’s lives to be known about and held by other mothers who “knew”. 

The paths of grieving are infinite, as unique as each one of you and your experiences.  None are better or worse than others, they just are. Grief, is ever evolving, looking different depending on the setting & the people and shifting over time, Ebbing and flowing like the Ocean. I believe that the opportunity for healing is endlesss and for many grief also never ends, as the love never ends.

Amana Be Love

Charlow Eliana’s Birth

My Wild & Free Family Birth

Charlow’s conception occurred after few years of being open to our next baby and 2 early births. We were nearing the Summer Solstice where I live & I was having two parallel experiences. I was reckoning with the possibility that I would not carry and birth another living baby and my deep, deep desire to have another child I was energetically calling in the daughter that I felt was near.

I remember the week before the summer solstice standing in the cool night air gazing up to the cosmos asking Universe/Spirit/Mother Earth to bring my daughter to me.

A few weeks later my blood did not come in its regular rhythm & I held great hope that I was holding new life in my womb, my daughter.

I held the knowing that this wombling may not live to term or through birth & at the same time hoped and prayed with my whole being that she would.

Charlow’s pregnancy was my toughest with hyperemesis gravidum aka extreme nausea and vomiting. I am talking vomiting multiple times a day every day for months on end, sometimes so bad for days and weeks that I needed IV fluids to stay hydrated. People kept saying it would end in the 2nd trimester, it didn’t, then the 3rd and it didn’t. The vomiting did decrease into my 30+ weeks of pregnancy but the nausea never left me. Around 35 weeks the daily vomiting faded and I no longer started every day heaving into the toilet, only some days, and for that I was certainly grateful.

In my last weeks of pregnancy I had Braxton Hicks/ practice contractions daily, sometime as frequently as every 5-7 minutes for hours on end, which left me wondering if I would “know” when her labor actually began.

From about 38 weeks on I found myself waking each morning wondering and asking her, caressing my womb, is today your Birthday? But days continued to pass by. My “due date” came and went. I continued to get bigger, more uncomfortable and also, surprisingly more patient for her arrival  than I had felt at 37 weeks. 

The Friday before Charlow’s birth I had contractions regularly that were mild to moderate  for hours into the night until they slowly disappeared around 3 AM. It was this night that Clementine first came over and started capturing video footage. We hadn’t seen each other in many months & it was completely lovely to get to hug her, reconnect and be in her gentle presence. (Some of the footage from the birth video is from this day as well as the next) 

At 41 weeks and 1 day I awoke around 2 am with fairly intense contractions that were difficult to stay lying through. After having 3 in a row I decided to go out into the living room and see if they continued. In an upright position they only became stronger and more intense. I tried many different positions, attempting to get a handle on the pain and find a way to cope, but the pain only increased. I asked baby girl and my body to slow down and be gentle, but alas by the end of the hour the contractions had me crying out on pain and wanting some support. (I never timed the length of contractions or time between them) 

A little after 3 I decided to wake up Owyn in between contractions. I did my best to gently wake him. He awoke easily and was surprised when he heard how challenging each contraction was for me. He held me, stayed present and supported me in a way only he could. 

In between contractions we talked about how it felt like labor was going quickly. I think I was a bit in denial, still not believing that I was progressing fast but Owyn seemed to recognize that our daughter would be earthiside soon. We discussed whether or not we should still have our friends come to photograph and videotape her birth with COVID 19 just ramping up. (this is something I had wanted with my previous 2 births but hadn’t had) We decided to call each of them and check in to see how they felt and if it felt right intuitively to them as we were both feeling open and I had envisioned them both at the birth for many months. Rickanna and Clementine were both feeling confident about coming to her birth and so they each arrived around 4 AM first Clementine & then Rickanna

By this time Owyn had laid the paint cloth on our living room floor where I had envisioned giving birth. I had a birth altar set up in this space, photos of my Mother and both my Grandmothers. We sat together there in front of a mirror where even with Owyn behind me I could look forward into the mirror and into his eyes which was immensely helpful. 

As the contractions continued to build I continued to ask my body and baby to be gentle, but none of the contractions were gentle and I found myself saying “fuck” quite a bit for a while. I never really found a good groove or way to cope during this stage of labor as I had in my previous 2 labors.

Time passed and I felt a shift in the contractions as my body began to push, gently at first then stronger and stronger. I asked Clementine to get my mother in law Sigrid who was staying with us to be our son’s support person during our birth. We asked her to wake Odyn who had voiced his desire to be present for his Sister’s birth, even if it meant being awoken at night. 

Sigrid and Odyn joined the 4 of us in the living room. My labor playlist singing along in the background, lights dim as the minutes passed towards 6.

The pushing began and I found a rhythm and went deep inside. Unaware of the happenings around me. I had learned with my other two births that my body pushes efficiently and as it tried to propel my daughter out I placed my hand on her head and quite literally pushed against it, stopping it from barreling out too quickly. 

After allowing her head to move out and in, closer and closer to emergence several times I felt that it was time to allow its passage and so I pushed and her head emerged. 

I felt relief and also knew I wasn’t done. She wriggled and turned and then another strong push came, along with half of her body, landing arms in the air, eyes open between my legs on the living room floor. Her cord was wrapped not around her neck, but behind it in such a way that it needed to be slipped over her head to allow the rest of her body to be born. I found I couldn’t reach her and unravel the cord myself. I asked Owyn to help me reach her, and so, together we lifted her up and I slipped the cord over her head which allowed the rest of her body to be born and I pulled her to my chest. She cried immediately and so did we. Tears of joy and relief fell as we held our baby girl, alive and well. Big brother and grandma by our sides. Clementine and Rickanna witnessing, holding space and documenting these once in a lifetime sacred moments. Our little girl’s first breathe. She was born at 5:59 am just less than 4 hours after her labor began, March 24th 2020.

Only minutes later I felt the urge to push out her placenta. I asked for the pie dish I had chosen to catch it. Holding my girl in my arms I moved onto my knees, hovering over the pie pan and with a small push the placenta easily slipped into the pan. 

After a short time spent soaking in the moment on our living room floor I wanted to move to the bedroom. With the help of everyone I did just that. I held my baby girl and Owyn carried her placenta and helped me get situated in bed.

Once settled in bed the ladies gathered the cord burning supplies. And together with Sigrid, Clementine and Rickanna we had a sweet ceremony where I sang “We all come from the Goddess, and to her we shall return, like a drop of rain, flowing to the ocean.” Owyn took over videotaping and after several minutes the cord was severed. Baby girl remained calm and observant throughout. It was a very sweet and powerful ceremony with such strong and magical women by my side participating in the separation of baby girl from her placenta. 

A little while later she latched for the first time, Odyn crawled into bed with us and gently caressed his sister. Owyn brought me freshly squeezed orange/grapefruit juice and we all reveled in the experience of this little souls birth. We began our life as a family of four.

After a week of getting to know our daughter and trying out different names, we settled on Charlow Eliana. Owyn loved the name Charlotte and I loved names like Wynslow, Harlow and Willow. And so we decided to put the two together and created Charlow (pronounced with a soft -ch- like in Charlotte). When she was born at sunrise after conception with the Summer Solstice we found ourselves looking for names that honored the sun. We both fell in love with the name Eliana which means “dawn, daughter of the sun” and even considered it for her first name during the first week of her life. 

Charlow Eliana Faulkner, you have brought deep healing and joy to my heart and to  our family. Thank you for being our daughter and for arriving with such magic strength and vitality. 

We are so grateful for you, our little girl and look forward to the years to come, witnessing your growth and your personality blossom.

Clementine, this short film is truly a priceless gift you have given to me, and I will be forever grateful. When I asked you if you would be present for my little girl’s birth and capture the experience on film so that I could look back on it, I never imagined you would create something SO BEAUTIFUL!!! Soul Sister, I will forever hold you in my heart and I am grateful to know you will always hold my daughter in yours. Thank you for witnessing Charlow’s birth, her first breathe and for bringing such a calm, delicate and trusting presence to our birthing space.